The first meeting with a caterer is like a first date: You want to talk about yourself, but you also want to listen. You'll need to reveal how you want your wedding to feel, then find out what kind of style the caterer has. Think about weddings you have attended, and describe what you liked and what you didn't. Ask her to show you her "book," which should contain photographs and give you a good idea of her skills.

Then, if it seems a relationship might develop, ask the caterer about weddings she has handled, and tell her about your favorite foods, cookbooks, and restaurants. Avoid having a detailed menu discussion at this first meeting and concentrate instead on the feeling you want to create. Do you envision a casual reception with lots of dancing or an elegant seated dinner?

Discuss costs. "Don't be afraid to say what your budget is," says Sascha Wolhandler, owner of Sascha's Gourmet Catering in Baltimore. "Caterers should give you suggestions, but remember, you are paying, and you are in control," she counsels. Also be sure to read your caterer's letters of reference, and take numbers so you can call former clients, too.

Once you're committed, the most basic decision you'll need to make is about food presentation. The four options are seated, buffet, station, and cocktail service.

The classic seated meal features several served courses, and it is usually preceded by a cocktail hour. Wedding traditions such as the formal presentation of the married couple are most fluidly incorporated into this format. The service costs are highest for a seated meal. Restricting the use of expensive ingredients such as caviar and crab to hors d'oeuvres can help to offset the price.

For a buffet meal, guests assemble their own plates of food, but most caterers will supply staff to serve at the buffet table. If your guest list grows to more than fifty, your caterer should set up duplicate buffet tables. A buffet may start with a served first course, which will offer some structure for toasts and a first dance and can provide a smooth transition from the cocktail hour to the meal as well.

The station reception features several food areas, each with a theme, and gives guests many choices. A meat-carving station that includes roasted potatoes and Caesar salad might be offered at one, while fresh pasta might be available at another. If you choose this style of service, plan on at least three stations, plus one for dessert.

At a cocktail reception, hors d'oeuvres are passed and, often, served at stations. This allows the most time for mingling but is not well suited to wedding rituals.

Once you've decided on the format, it's time to talk turkey -- or beef or fish. Most caterers encourage clients to get personal. Holly Safford of the Catered Affair in Hingham, Massachusetts, says, "Many couples become cautious when they should be assertive and show their personalities." She warns that a meal designed to appeal to everyone may end up being bland. Personalizing the menu may be as simple as serving your grandmother's treasured lace cookies with coffee at the meal's end.