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How to Tell Your Mom You Want to Plan Your Own Wedding

You want to make it clear—nicely—that it's your big day.

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Photography by: Max & Friends

Since your mom has likely been thinking about your wedding day even longer than you have, she's probably been quick to take the reins and kickstart the planning process. While you may be tempted to tell her to back off, it's important to recognize that your wedding day is a special day not just for you but for her too.  If she's footing the bill, you may have to compromise more than you would if you were paying. But rather than getting territorial about who gets to plan what aspects of the wedding day, we're offering up a few key tactics you can use that will keep the peace.

 

Loving Ways to Include Your Mother at the Wedding

Recognize her sincerity

The best thing you can do is to address the issue as soon as you see signs of your mom wanting to control your wedding plans. In order to bring it up without causing an argument, start off by recognizing her good intentions and asking about how she planned her own wedding. If her mother took on the planning role, she's more likely to think she has a "right" to take over your wedding plans too. In this case, you'll want to gently explain that you'd like her to play co-pilot rather than steering the ship. Let your mom know that you've already done some research and have some good ideas about they style of wedding you'd like to have then discuss them with her.

 

Be carefully candid

We'll skip the mother-daughter relationship dynamics and just say this: Be careful with your wording, but be candid. You don't want to hurt her feelings or say something you'll regret later bu it's important that you set the ground rules. Rule number one: You're in charge. 

 

Point out your differences in aesthetics

One of the best ways to take control of the aesthetics of your wedding day is to have a chat with your mom about your differences in style. While your mom may be rooting for an all-white, all-hydrangea, all-preppy wedding, you may want something a bit less traditional. Rather than telling her you don't like that style, guide her towards the things you do like by showing her photos of weddings you're taking inspiration from. Talk her through the differences and take the time to explain why you want things to look a certain way. More often than not, she'll hear you out if you're involving her in a way that's respectful and collaborative.

 

Let her strengths shine

If your mom is used to being the hostess in the family, she probably knows a ton about planning a menu. If she tends a mean garden, she'd probably love to be involved in helping you select the flowers. Pick one thing that your mom really shines at and let her be the rock star with that portion of the wedding planning. By giving her a role she can manage on her own, you're allowing her to feel involved without giving her full control.

 

Be patient

Unless you have sisters who've been married in the past five years, your mom is probably a bit rusty in her wedding planning knowledge and may be using her own wedding as a model. Prices and customs have likely changed quite a bit since then: A wedding that took place in the 1980s, for example, has a different feel than a wedding in 2017. Ttreat this as a learning process for the both of you. Planning a wedding isn't a one-way-or-the-highway type of thing, so listen to her suggestions before automatically saying no. 

 

Agree to disagree

Sometimes there really isn't a viable compromise to be made and you just have to agree to disagree. That's part of being family, as much as it is part of being married. Recognize that your mom has an opinion and, while you respect it, you want certain things done your way. Be sure to thank her for all the help she's giving you--and mean it!

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