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Funny Marriage Quotes from Your Favorite Comedians

Sometimes cynical, sometimes sweet—but also ridiculously relatable—here are the most hilarious things comedians have said about being married.

Associate Digital Editor
Photography by: MJ Kim/Getty Images

Ask a married couple for the most important qualities in a spouse, and "sense of humor" will likely be near the top of the list. And for good reason! Marriage is hard, so if you can laugh about it—and laugh at yourselves—you're more likely to make it (and make each other laugh). To get you started, we rounded up funny quotes and jokes about marriage from famous comedians.


"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell


"Why buy the cow? Maybe because every day the cow asks you when you're going to buy it. And you live in a really small apartment with the cow and you can't avoid that question at all. Also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are … But for real, why buy the cow? Let's be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do." –John Mullaney


"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner." —Jerry Seinfeld


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." —Henny Youngman

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." —Rita Rudner 


"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." —Jim Gaffigan 


"Imagine if marriage didn't exist, and you're a guy and you ask someone to get married. Imagine what that conversation would be like. You'd be the guy and you'd be like, 

[guy’s voice]: Hey, so we've been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together and everything.

[girl's voice]: Yeah, yeah. I know.

[guy's voice]: I wanna keep doing that … 'til you’re dead. I want to keep hanging out with you until one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement." —Aziz Ansari 


"Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

"Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." —Megan Mullally


"I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun." —Mindy Kaling


"All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up." —Amy Schumer


"Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not." —Ray Barone


"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." —Chelsea Handler 

"F*ck it … that's really the attitude that keeps a family together. It's not 'We love each other.' It's just 'f*ck it, man.'" —Louis C.K.


"My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." —Rodney Dangerfield


"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers." —Richard Pryor


"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?" —Dennis Miller


"I'm getting married today. My only fear is that instead of 'I do' I'll say 'I do do'." —Tig Notaro


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