First, you’re not obligated to ask friends whose weddings you’ve been in to play a role in yours. To be fair, give her a heads-up as soon as possible. Warmly express regret, and tell her the decision was hard to make; then emphasize how glad you are that she’ll be there. You can also find something else for her to do at your ceremony, or invite her to spend time with you on the morning of the big day. And dial down the bridesmaid chatter when you talk to her.

Absolutely not. Choose to have people standing up with you whose presence is meaningful and important. Ask a groomsman to link arms with two bridesmaids, task a couple of guys with escorting elderly guests, or arrange a single-file procession. Just appoint a traffic cop to make sure everyone knows when, where, and with whom they’re supposed to enter.

Before you make a formal request to your ‘maids, you’ll want to have chosen a date, a locale, and a level of formality for your wedding. You should also allow at least six months for buying dresses and banking both cash and vacation days for the event. Give them an estimate on total costs (for dresses, hairstyling, travel, etc.), and let them know how much time and energy you’ll mostly likely need from them. Make sure your bridesmaids know that they can always come to you if the burden gets to be too much.

Generally, when it comes to the bridal party look, whatever you say goes. But, think hard before you begin to lay down rules on shoes and accessories. Once you’ve chosen a color, consider picking a few shoe options in various styles and heights. You can ask your bridesmaids to coordinate their ensembles with other matching accessories as long as you choose some basic pieces that aren’t too expensive. If pricier accessories are important to you, such as jewelry, shawls, or gloves, it’s a nice gesture to provide those yourself as gifts.

Of course you can ask for their help but keep in mind that assembling favors or creating room decorations isn’t actually in the job description for a bridesmaid. However, helping you with any big project is often part of the job description of a good friend or close relative. So look at the relationship you have with each of these women. Is this the sort of favor you regularly exchange? If so, request their assistance. Bridesmaids have duties, but good friends help each other, no strings attached.